Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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