I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
