I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
