I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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