I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
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A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
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He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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