Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
