plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It's never too late to be topless.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
