Dude my mom stole all your condoms
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
