please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
