I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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