i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
