so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
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Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
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my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.