sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
i am craving dick and cupcakes
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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