I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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