Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
