she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
