There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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