I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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