She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
