she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I can't turn off my feet"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
