My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
