You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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