she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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