Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
