if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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