were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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