I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
