He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
