yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
How naked do you want me to be?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
