If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize