I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
