standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
