Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
