if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
