if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
