wrigley field is MILF paradise
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i will never coherently bang her
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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