I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
