Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
