Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
