the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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