Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
