I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
