The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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