Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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