Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
