you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
