He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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