I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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