Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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