oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
