you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
