I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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