Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
