So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
